04.21.24

As far as psychotic symptoms go, delusional thinking isn't all that bad. It's fun, for a little while. Reality is just so brutal. It's far more acceptable to think something along the lines of "If I finish my mentally ill insomnia game then I will have cured my sickness and thus I will be able to sleep again" rather than entertaining the idea that being unmedicated for a myriad of disorders is taking a far graver toll on me than I'm willing to recognize. It's a romantic idea, right? That there is a "happily ever after" once all is said and done? David Berman might call that "storyline fever". The reality is that you post the game, and that's it. You get up, go lay in bed. Stare at the ceiling, vision fuzzy as ever. All of those stabbing thoughts come back, as loud as they've ever been. You cry, for a while. You hate yourself. You want to die. It's the same as usual except now you're missing a front tooth and you don't want to smile anymore, or even be seen at all. Now you're mixing too much Gabapentin and White Claw to make it go away, and it does, for about 30 minutes. Those 30 minutes are the happiest you've been in a long time. Oh look! People have nice things to say about the game!..and that makes you feel worse? What's going on? Why do you feel worse? Anyway. It's 4AM again. I wish I could sleep. The sound of birds in the morning may be the most gratuitous, vile sound to ever spring from nature. Goodnight.